When Carrots Attack
by Jayne Cortese
Summary: Will vegetables try to take over the Shire? Will Pippin be able to save Merry from becoming a blob of romantic mush? Is it *really* a carrot in Merry's pants? M/P slash, it's a hard R. **COMPLETE**
1. The Nightmare

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When Carrots Attack

Author's Note: Yes, I have succumbed to the wonder that is LotR slash (by the way, I don't own LotR, but if I did, I'd be one happy gal). It's not all angsty and dramatic like the books, mainly because this is Merry and Pippin we're talking about. But there is a definite sappiness warning. *points to Merry* It was all his fault, I swear! *evil glare* Thanks to M/P slashers everywhere, the world needs more of us. Feel the pride. =^-^=

Meriadoc Brandybuck was a very happy and contented hobbit. He was lying in the grass, with two of his favorite things by his side: stolen mushrooms and Pippin Took. Pippin and Merry had stolen the mushrooms, carrots and cabbages a half-hour before, and had eaten everything but the mushrooms for Second Breakfast (the mushrooms were to be saved for Luncheon), and had decided to sit under a nearby tree to digest and watch the other hobbits pass by on the road. Pip had fallen asleep, and looked more carefree in sleep than he ever looked awake. Merry wondered if there was anything in the world Peregrin took seriously. He didn't have to wonder long, Merry knew he was the one thing that Pip really loved. And Pippin was the one that Merry really loved. And all was right with the world, as long as Pippin slumbered in Merry's lap, under the trees in the Shire. Merry was amazed at what a hopeless romantic he could be. 

Pippin shifted in his sleep, moving his head so it rested on Merry's shoulder instead of on his own chest. Merry mumbled an "I love you" as he brushed a few stray hairs off of Pip's face and kissed his forehead.

Pippin awoke with a start, shouting. "The carrots are attacking! Quick, prepare the cabbage catapult!"

"You really know how to ruin a moment, Pip." Merry said, shaking his head.

"But the carrots, they were marching the Shire was under siege took the potatoes hostage it was horrible" Pippin recounted the scarring events of his dream. "Wait, we were having a moment? And I missed it? Merry, why didn't you wake me up? I always miss everything important." He pouted, crossing his arms, looking very much like the childish hobbit he was.

"If I had woken you, you still would have ranted. And anyway, you being asleep was part of the moment. You looked so cute and peaceful." Merry pinched the Took's cheek.

"Yes, but little did you know I was having a nightmare to end all nightmares. You should have been there, Merry. It was terrible. The carrots just turned on us." Pippin almost cried as he curled up closer to Merry, who put his arms around his friend.

"It's okay, Pip. It was only a dream. Here, have a mushroom."

"The mushrooms! They were overcooked they caught on fire" Pippin bawled, mourning for the loss of the mushrooms in the Shire.

"Pippin, shhh. I was getting all romantic and turning into a big pile of sappy mush over you, and that dream ruined it for me. For us. The dream is going to kill our relationship pretty soon, if we don't get rid of it right quick." Pippin blushed. Merry would have turned himself into a pile of sappy mush for him.

"The dream is forgotten. We never speak of it again." Pip wiped his eyes with his shirtsleeve and smiled up at Merry, kissing his cheek. "I love you."

Merry tilted Pippin's face and kissed him. "I love you, too."

"I don't want you to be a pile of mush, however sappy. Because then I'd have to carry your mushiness in a bucket when I'd walk around, and a bucket of Merry Mush isn't all that much fun, if you know what I mean." Pippin winked, nudging Merry in the side.

Merry laughed. "Alright. How about I get sappy and romantic, but don't turn into mush?"

"I guess that would work. Would you bring me flowers?"

"Of course."

"Red ones?"

"I make no promises. But hey, at least I won't be mush."

"Good point. Romance and the possibility of red flowers is good enough for me." Pippin kissed Merry tenderly. "Hmm, is that a carrot in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

"I won't tell you, but I'm betting you'd love to find out." Pippin nodded and practically dragged Merry to his hobbit-hole, locking the door behind them.

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Alright, I'm not sure if I should continue with this, seeing as I've never written any "smutty goodness" before, but that is SO where this fic is heading. That's Pippin's fault. That is most definitely Pippin's fault. If anyone has any advice on writing the next chapter (and there might be a next chapter if I get enough REVIEWS, hint hint), please let me know. Until then, I bid you all a fond farewell.

~Jåyne


	2. The Remedy

A/N: OK, I'm back, and better than ever! Or, I never left and I'm not quite as crappy as I was before. So the long awaited (uh, no) second chapter to "When Carrots Attack". I WILL find a new title, cause this one irks me to no end (suggestions? REVIEW). Get ready, kiddies, cause it's a bit risqué (not **extremely** graphic, thus the R rating). By the by, this is my first attempt at anything remotely sexual, so bear with me here. And I don't know much about the workings of hobbit clothing. So I'm forewarning you, their pants have zippers. Why? Because I said so and so Merry can undo them with his teeth. ^_ They also use the same curse words in Middle-Earth as they do here. So ha. But I'm rambling. On to the fic.

As soon as Pippin got his friend in his hobbit-hole, he slammed Merry against the door and kissed him roughly and not without much fervor. Peregrin Took was a hobbit teetering on the edge. In more ways than one.

"Pippinnnnn I think *kiss* that we should *kiss* move this somewhere more *kiss* comfortable. Preferably where I'm not pressed against a *kiss* door." Merry, despite all appearances, was not one to be ravaged. At least not against the door to Pip's hobbit-hole. Much to Pippin's dismay, of course.

"Mmm, if you insist." Pip grabbed himself a handful of Merry's shirt and led him to the bedroom.

The room itself was quite odd for a hobbit of Pippin's gender. Which isn't so surprising if you know that Merry decorated Pippin's entire hobbit-hole. The four-post bed had a canopy of purple silk, with comforters of the same fabric and color. The walls were painted a very lovely shade of pink (Merry: "I know, I know. You say purple doesn't GO with pink. But bear with me, this'll be good." Pippin: "It'd better be, because we'll be spending an awful lot of time in here, if you know what I mean"). There was a mahogany dresser against the wall, with a gold-framed mirror above it. All in all, Merry's masterpiece. (And the author compliments herself on the excellent use of alliteration).

"Merry?"

"Yea, Pip?"

"I can't forget the dream. It was too emotionally scarring, y'know."

"Well, I can try my best to remedy that for you."

"You're too kind, always looking out for my best interests, you are."

"Not always."

"No, not always. Thank goodness for that, Merry. Else you'd be no fun at all."

"I'm always fun." Merry accentuated his point with a lingering kiss to Pippin's neck. "I also think we're wearing altogether too many clothes, Pip."

"I would definitely be agreeing with you on that point." Shirts, vests and pants went from being on Merry and Pippin to being on the floor in record time. Well, except for Pippin's pants, which seemed to be stuck.

"Fuck!"

"That **is** the general idea, Pippin m'dear."

"No, my pants. They won't come off. The zipper's being mean."

"Aww, poor wittle Pippin. Can't get his wittle pants off."

"Are you going to make fun of me or help me?"

"You say that as if I can't do both."

"That's because you can't. Making fun of me isn't helping me, and vice versa."

"Well, alright then." Merry gave an exaggerated sigh, then got on his knees. The button on Pippin's pants was undone, and there didn't **seem** to be any problem with the zipper "Why, Peregrin Took. You just **said** that your zipper was stuck so I'd have to do **this**" That being said, Merry slowly undid Pip's zipper with his teeth (A/N: Mwa ha ha ha ha).

"You --oh-- read my --ohhhhh-- mind, Merry" Pippin's breathing became more and more ragged as Merry did more and more evil things with his mouth. Just as Pippin was getting screamingly close to exploding, Merry pulled off of him and stood up. Pippin could have cried, he really could have. "I hate you."

"No you don't."

"No, I don't." Pippin then kissed Merry's hand, eventually drawing two fingers into his mouth. Pip backed up so the backs of his knees touched the bed, then fell backward, landing so Merry was on top of him, and so he could feel something (a carrot, maybe) pressing against his thigh. Pip took the fingers out of his mouth and put them somewhere decidedly different.

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A while later, curled under the covers, Pippin mumbled against Merry's neck.

"What's that, Pip?"

"I still can't forget the dream"

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Alright, I think this may be the end. There might be more Merry/Pippin fics on the way, probably while they're on the road to Mordor. At Rivendell, maybe? Ooh, or maybe what Pippin or Merry sees in Galadriel's mirror? Hmm? Any suggestions, review or email me at Ophelia709@aol.com. Also, if you've written a fic that you're not all too happy with (something you wrote a while ago, maybe) and you wouldn't mind me MiSTing it (i.e., making fun of it a bit. For an example, read MiST01: Pop & Something Like You), PLEASE email it to me. It's all in good fun and I really mean no offense when I write MiSTs. OK, that's the end of that shameless cry for help.

~Jåyne


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